Ollie's Modern Life
This month, Ollie Peart sets out his manifesto for a glorious post-viral future.
Saturday 23 May 2020
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People Like Us; beer for good
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Well, this was a bit of a surprise. Unless you're a biologist studying the spread of viral infections of course. But for the rest of us, shrouded in our busyness, in our self-importance and individualism, it came as quite a shock.
This kind of outbreak is one of those things that our entitled western upbringing has taught us only happens in other countries. It might have happened here once, but that was ages ago when everything was in black and white and sped up a bit. We're too British to become infected with a virus with origins in China. We have the Queen for fucks sake.
Yeah, well, look how that worked out. Turns out a virus gives zero fucks about your national identity, your politics, sexual preference, social status or wealth. It couldn't give a bollocks how many followers you have on Instagram or the views on your last Tik-Tok. All it cares about is spreading as fast as possible and causing you horrible pain until you're dead.
It's a fitting reminder that we are all the same; fragile blobs of cells bumbling about with no idea why we are here or for how long. The greedy 'I-want-it-all' 'buy-now-pay-later' nonsense has to end, and with it, our way of life.
It's not all doom and gloom. Sure, it's hard to see how, but in the words of Homer Simpson after a fumbled understanding of a Chinese proverb, this is a 'crisotunity'. From crisis, comes opportunity. Things have got to change.
But how? There are academics, philosophers and economists likely trying to work that out as we speak, but with my 11 GCSEs and three A-Levels under my belt, I figure I could give them a hand.
Here's my 'Guide to the Future' an ill-thought-out blueprint of how I think things should be after all of this is over.
Working from home has become the new norm for a lot of you. Some of you may have fared better than others, but one thing that a lot of you would have noticed is that commuting to your job is a pointless, feckless exercise in pissing away valuable resources - time, carbon and health just to name a few.
Let's sack off having to be in the office every day in favour of more home working. It will free up the public transport network which is already crumbling under the pressure of too many passengers. This will give more space on the roads, railways and buses for people who NEED to be in work. It will also make a big old dent in our carbon footprint.
Let's put an end to bullshit jobs. There are jobs out there which exist for no other reason than to exist. They contribute nothing. They do nothing. They ARE nothing. The classic example is some of the smartest minds in the world putting their algorithmic prowess into developing better ways to deliver adverts to people on Facebook. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Put your energy in to fixing famine, finding alternative fuels, calculating cures...whatever, just NOT SERVING FUCKING ADVERTS.
While we are on it, we need to shift our priorities. Some of the worst paid people in our society have been the ones who have kept everything going; nurses, teachers, bin collectors, cleaners, shelf stackers, care workers. I know I've missed loads out. You know who didn't keep us moving? A banker. A footballer. A lawyer. A writer like me.
That's not to decry all of these professions, they are important, but let's rebalance things shall we? Let's pay teachers more than lawyers and nurses more than bankers. Perhaps then some of the smartest in the country will opt to teach children rather than defending high profile suspected paedophiles.
Variety is the spice of life. It sure is, but when it comes down to it, when push comes to shove, all we really need is bog roll and flour. So let's ban all the pointless shite. Plug in air fresheners can do one, no one needs them. I've got three different gadgets in my kitchen for cutting garlic. I mean, what? Use a knife dickhead. If you work in manufacturing, just because you CAN, doesn't mean you SHOULD make something.
If you're a twat, we can do without you. You need to change. There is no space for twats in this future. That doesn't mean you can't have heated discussion and debate, of course you can. You just can't be a twat. Being a twat generally means not listening to other people, thinking only about yourself and being a twat. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you're probably a twat so you need to change.
It's been horrible hasn't it? A living nightmare. If you're like me, you're a little confused how to feel. I mean, all of the shit has been going on behind closed doors in hospitals and people's houses. So things might seem kind of normal, but not. It doesn't matter. What really matters is what we do now, and yeah, some of this might seem far-fetched and obviously a little silly and sweary, but if we don't change our future for the better from all of this, then what's the fucking point?
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