Wine horoscopes

Aries   March 21 – April 19

Your only task this week is to welcome abundance. Do not drink from any vessel smaller than a magnum, and when you do so, drink straight from the bottle. Joy was not made for a 125ml glass.

Taurus   April 20 – May 20 

Your waters are in danger of stagnanating, now is the time to surrender to mystery. Drink red wine with fish and swap sugar in your tea for three drops of Sauternes. Signal your readiness for inspiration by consuming from cupped hands. 

Gemini   May 21 – June 21

Think about what joy smells like to you. Perhaps it is a gifted orange segment and permission for pineapple on a pizza; perhaps it is fresh white trainers on the first day of spring and eating cinema popcorn like an animal in the privacy of the back row. Hold the magic of this scent deep in your heart, it will find you in the form of a wine bottle soon enough.

Cancer   June 22 – July 22 

Now is the time for generosity. Host a party and invite seven dozen of your closest friends and your most resented colleagues. Serve only merlot, but serve it by the case. Let no one leave until their teeth are stained purple and their blood runs royal.

Leo July 23 – August 22

You have come too far to be hindered by Beaujolais. Open yourself to transmissions from Zweigelt. Intoxicate yourself via Zinfandel and Zinfandel only. Do not dream of allowing your skin to contact cork: screwtops are your friend.

Virgo   August 23 – September 22 

Order with confidence this week, remembering that what irritates you in others only informs you of yourself. Do not shy away from Prosecco as you have done previously. Add ice with glee. Garnish every glass with a cocktail umbrella. Surrender to the frivolity of it all.

Libra   September 23 – October 23

Offer your working day to the Gods, elevate your hustle to deities. Bring white wine to each meeting, adding honey for luck. Use Gewurztraminer as a perfume, concentrating on the areas your pulse beats strongest. Swap your morning smoothie for a frosé. Let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Scorpio   October 24 – November 21

Your glassware will not sparkle until your heart does, and your words have been tainting your shine recently. Think on this next time you bemoan a smudge. Work harder on your offerings, even your Friday night Pinot Grigio is capable of becoming a prayer—mundanity is worthy of praise too. 

Sagittarius   November 22 – December 21

Drink only from bottles with yellow labels, but avoid purple text at all costs. Ensure one item of clothing at all times is green. Red wine is permitted although orange is preferable. Your sun requires these aesthetics to energise the finances of your healing. View your sacrifices as investments, it’ll aid your sleep.

Capricorn   December 22 – January 19

Where you taste hope this week make sure to keep the cork. You will need to return to this in the moments before professing the love you hold captive. Acknowledge the generosity of the grape as you do so, vow to love as generously. Let vulnerability pour like vinho verde.

Aquarius   January 20 – February 18

This week brings new springs of renewal. Manifest a safe entry to this next chapter by bathing in Champagne thrice, drinking 50ml of Burgundy before each meal and avoiding stemless glasses no matter how hard you are tempted. 

Pisces   February 19 – March 20

Let go of love that no longer serves you. Your tensions will not aid you as your days grow longer. Seventy percent of what is wrong with you can be cured by a trip down the wine aisle. Put down that Rioja, you need a Chablis.