Sipping soda water

It can still be tricky to navigate drinking culture in the UK as a non-drinker, but especially someone who’s a non-drinker because they’re trying to conceive. While I think we’re seeing more flexibility, thoughtfulness and non-alc options, our socialising and ceremony still leans heavily on alcohol. Even wholesome pursuits such as running, cycle touring and camping often involve at least light libations.

Also, I love beer. The centre-point of each year, the summer kick-off, was my beloved Fyne Fest, a heady beery good time in a gorgeous glen. I haven’t been since 2022, instead each year watching the Instagram stories of my beer-writing buds jealously, mournfully, from underneath a salad and an early night. 

When you alter your lifestyle in the hope of improving fertility, there is no deadline. It might be three months, three years, or longer. “It can feel like life is standing still while you're waiting for those two pink lines on a test to show,” said Ruth Barrett, who’s been on her own fertility journey. “And when you're restrictive, that period of waiting, which may be years, can feel joyless.”

When you are known for being the life and soul of the party it can be a surprise to your friends to see that you’re not drinking. “I didn’t want to not socialise, but a lot of socialising revolves around alcohol,” said Lynn Carratt, who faced two years of trying for her baby. “At one barbeque, I hid my non-alcoholic Prosecco in the fridge and pretended I was drinking alcohol. Amongst my friends I’d always been the one who loved a glass of fizz in my hand. They used to find it strange when I didn’t drink and would ask if I was pregnant often.” 

I fielded these questions too. Why would you ever ask a person this? In general, pregnant people will tell you if they want you to know. 

And in my case, sometimes, most times, I wasn’t. Having a well-meaning acquaintance wink and smile, make jokes about my alcohol intake, was annoying at best and at worst, cut deep. Sometimes I had just gotten my period. No baby again this month, but thanks, I almost took my mind off it for ten seconds there. 

Once or twice I actually was pregnant, in the early weeks, willing this baby to hold fast. They didn’t. Meanwhile those same acquaintances would count up the times I’d sipped a Nozeco over the previous few months, then tipsily tell me they couldn’t wait to hear my news. It would take everything in me not to detail how often and how recently I’d miscarried. 

Ruth’s path to parenthood did involve IVF: “At the start of our IVF journey we were very transparent with people about what we were going through. But after our first round didn't work, with multiple failed transfers, we decided to be more private. The heartbreak of transfers not working is hard enough without feeling responsible for other people's feelings too.”

I stopped drinking not because I was certain that this was the thing that would help me get pregnant. In the end, I have no idea if it truly made a difference. 

I stopped drinking because it was one way I could try to take control of a circumstance where no control was possible. It gave me a tangible thing to do to try to work towards the result I craved. Looking back, I think what might have helped more was being able to put down several adult responsibilities that were contributing to heightened stress. There is no place you can go to and hand over your work and caring duties, though. Buying the £100 jar of vitamins and replacing Saturday’s drink with a Corona Cero is about the limit of what’s possible.

There are no promises when it comes to infertility. It is a hard road with few exit points. There might not be a baby at the end of the journey. If you are navigating this in your own life, my heart goes out to you. I see your pain.

And if this isn’t your experience? You’ll know someone in your life who is going through this. Your friend, your co-worker, your adult daughter. The next time you are out with a known boozehound and they are sipping a soda water, you don’t have to say anything. You can simply replenish their drink, wish them well with all the love you have to give, and not ask them if they’re pregnant.