THE FERMENT CHRISTMAS SURVIVAL GUIDE

With the holidays fast approaching, most of our lives will be overtaken by parties, Christmas pageants, and spending time with friends and family.

These atrocities can be eased by alcohol, but if you go overboard it can make the situation even worse than it would have been if attempted sober. This handy dandy guide has been assembled to help you drink the right beers (and the right amount of them) to get you through some common holiday activities

1. THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

Time: Three hours

Goal: A comfortable enough buzz to tolerate hearing about your boss’ wife’s cat Beatrice, while not buzzed enough to start the conga line.

Formula: Three hours equals no more than three beers.

Start with a mid-ABV amber ale. Maybe something similar to Flying Dog’s Counter Culture Ale or Neptune’s Amberjack. At 6% and 4.5% respectively, the ABV is enough to take the edge off while laying a solid base on which you can safely build. The toasty, nutty, and fruity flavors of most amber ales will satisfy your craft beer cravings while putting you in the spirit.

Next, go for a Helles or other light lager. After a good amber ale it may not taste like much, but most lagers have a low ABV while keeping you with a beer in your hand. If the party drags on for longer than expected, it’s always a safe bet to fall back into Helles territory.

Finish off with something heavy and filling. Odds are you haven’t eaten much by this point. Maybe four cocktail prawns, a handful of crisps with dip, and you avoided the casserole that Janet brings every year because it grosses you out that she keeps her birds in the kitchen. Grab a low ABV stout, find an open chair near the receptionist you’ve been meaning to flirt with and quietly mock the person in the office that neither of you can stand.

Congratulations on navigating the office holiday party! Now grab the handful of friends you work with and quietly herd them towards the door so you can go to the pub.

2. CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

Time: Eternity

Goal: Drink your way to tolerance of the masses without drinking your way to buying a jet ski.

Formula: Drink, shop, drink, shop.

Without a willing partner, this plan is impossible. But with the right wing-person, a day of crowd-battling and discount rack ravaging turns into a pleasant ruby-nosed stroll.

The secret here is to have your first beer before you leave the house. Make it a big one. Maybe a Russian Imperial Stout like Left Hand Brewing’s Wake up Dead. This hits you hard and heavy at 10.2% while filling your belly and preparing you for the first two hours of public transportation and hardcore shopping with whoever hates you enough to have dragged you into this. 

This is an important first step because if you start shopping stone-cold sober, you will most likely be highly irritated by the crowds before your first beer. Get your buzz early, get happy, get goofy, and get in the right headspace. 

After your first store, head to a local pub and grab a nice brown or dark bitter ale like Purple Moose Brewery’s Dark Side of the Moose. Go with something touting a nice toffee, smoky or chocolate-forward flavour to keep you in that happy, child-like, “Christmas really is magical” mindset.

Head to the next store with the person who hates you and check out some window displays. Say things like “Boy, I bet I could do something like this at home.” or “Look at the little elf scurrying around that tree! I wonder how they do that!” Promptly forget everything you just saw as you enter the unrelenting hellscape that is the department store.

Complete the required shopping and head to the next pub for an English mild. A low ABV English mild should keep you steadily and safely buzzed while warming you up from the inside out. I personally love English milds because they don’t fill me up, don’t get me snockered, and give me the nice, toasty, wintry feel that I need on blustery days.

Stick with the English milds or other dark, toasty, low ABV beverages using the drink, shop, drink, shop method until the person who hates you decides to show some compassion and take you home. 

3) CHRISTMAS DECORATING

Time: Two to six hours

Goal: Drink away the frustrations of unpacking storage boxes, untangling lights, stepping on ornaments, and coaxing that stupid cat out of your tree.

Plan: Pace yourself to patience.

Before you grab your first beer from the hopefully large supply in your refrigerator, ask yourself this question: “Am I going to be on the roof or on a ladder today?” If the answer is yes, forgo all drinking until that portion is complete. Trust me on this.

If the answer is no, snatch up your first beverage from the refrigerator. Begin with something complex, but easy to drink like To Øl’s citrusy and funky Fuck Art - the Heathens are Coming saison, or a Belgian dubbel. Go ahead and toast yourself, for you are about to master the art of Christmas decorating.

Get your fine-motor activities out of the way while drinking this first beer or assign them to someone nimble and sober (this is one of the strongest arguments for having children). Only then move on to setting up the tree.

About mid-way through the tree setup, whether it is a fake tree or a real tree, you will get immensely frustrated with something. No one will be quite sure what, and no one will be able to pinpoint when your frustrations began, but it happens to every human being attempting to set up a Christmas tree every year. 

Take a break and head to the refrigerator. I know I’ve previously said not to drink while irritated, but this is going to be quiet, reflective drinking.

Find the heavily spiced winter warmer that you purchased and pour it into your favorite glass. My go-to is 21st Amendment’s Fireside Chat. As this is my first winter in the UK, I’m certain you have a delicious substitute of which I’m simply unaware.

Take a moment and inhale a few big whiffs of your beer. Let the inevitable orange peel, star anise, cinnamon, and clove glide through your nostrils and land at the back of your throat. Finish about half of your holiday inspiration before you head back out to the tree. 

Now that your tree is up and perfectly straight, it’s time to trim. After you’ve wrapped it in lights and popcorn, let everyone else start on ornaments as you head back to the refrigerator and find yourself a nice low ABV porter on which to end the evening. Maybe something sweet and delicious like Tiny Rebel’s Stay Puft Marshmallow Porter. You deserve it.

4) HOLIDAY WEEKEND WITH YOUR IN-LAWS

Time: 36 hours

Goal: Ease the pain of spending joyous holidays with the people you are legally obliged to love.

Plan: Never stop drinking.

In this scenario, we’ll assume you’re getting in on a Friday evening, spending all day Saturday there, and then leaving on Sunday. Friday evening should speak for itself, but my advice would be not to tie one on. You don’t want to spend the early parts of Saturday too painfully hungover, although if you’re a strong believer in hair of the dog, this plan may still work.

Start Saturday morning with a heavy, toasty stout, like the classic and delicious Samuel Smith’s Oatmeal Stout. It will get you a full belly, a fuzzy mind, and hopefully the ability to tolerate your wife’s great aunt Ruth, who has gifted you a small, resin snowman every year because once in 1998 you told her that you liked snowmen. If anyone gives you guff about drinking early, remind them that it’s Christmas and morning drinking is your gift to yourself.

As you all sit down to exchange gifts, try a nice Christmas ale to get in the holiday spirit. Maybe something hoppy to wake up your mouth after a rich beer (and likely a rich breakfast) and get you just tipsy enough to be truly excited about receiving your seventh pair of wool socks. Rogue Ales’ Santa’s Private Reserve is a phenomenal hoppy amber ale that gets you in the holiday spirit while not blasting your mouth with spices (like the winter warmers in scenario three).

Taper off the drinking down to a light lager so that you can be a useful help with dinner and earn that “Son-in-Law of the Year” award you’ve had your eye on. Tapering off will also help prevent you from becoming the drunk, lamp-shade-on-the-head uncle that makes your niece cry because you were swinging her around and drunkenly dropped her on her face.

As dinner ends and the Christmas pudding comes out, treat yourself to a citrus heavy IPA or pale ale. Salopian Brewing’s Slipstream is absolutely loaded with blood orange peel and is just over 5% ABV, making it the perfect thing to drink with your orange liqueur-soaked dessert.

Toast your hosts and get to bed early. It’s going to be a long drive home tomorrow and suddenly you have a lot of socks to wash.